Posted April 29, 2016 10:31 pm
By
Question: “I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 20 years. The problem is he calls himself a collector, but our house is filled with stuff he has collected to the point it is hard to walk around. Just thinking about coming home after work causes me to feel so stressed out that I do not want to come home. I do not enjoy being at home. I have tried to talk with him about it, but he keeps saying that he needs the stuff. I keep telling him how disorganized and cluttered our house is stresses me out. What can I do or say to him to help him understand how I feel?
Answer: Unfortunately, this is a problem I see often. Your husband may not understand the effect clutter can have on the relationship not only physically, but also more important psychologically. If your home is in a state of disorder or what most people may call messy, then it is difficult to have the emotional energy to sustain healthy relationships, with not only family, but also friends. The problem with holding onto things is that the stuff becomes more important than anything else in the individual’s life. It is a real problem and the goal is not to solve the problem, but to learn how to manage the compulsion of collecting and keeping things.
The first step for your husband would be to accept the fact that he has a problem with collecting and keeping things, which has become a problem for you. Keep in mind that physical clutter not only takes up much needed space in your house but also in your mind. Clutter tends to also drain your emotional energy.
If your husband is able to accept that he has a problem, the challenge becomes what to do about it. The next step is to understand why holding onto things is more important than relationships with others. After this obstacle has been tackled, it now becomes a matter of creating a plan to manage the clutter or disorganization.
You can begin to organize and de-clutter your home by first taking a look around your home and picture in your mind what you would like your home to look like without piles of stuff laying around. Then look at ways to change and manage the way you think about stuff by using the following tips:
• Begin to change old patterns of thinking. If you don’t change your old pattern of thinking about “things,” then even if you clean out all of your clutter, you will just begin to collect stuff again because you haven’t changed how you think about those things. Thinking about your items differently can open up possibilities you hadn’t imagined. Stuff is never more important than relationships.
• Take inventory of your items. Along with working on your pattern of thinking about your stuff, you must create a plan to get rid of your stuff. These are items that take up space or collect dust such as clothes you don’t wear, old magazines or old bills that need to be filed. You must ask yourself, “Is this something that I truly love or currently functional in my life?” If your answer is no, consider getting rid of it by donating or recycling it.
• Do away with your one day thinking: “One day I may need or use this book, shirt, or even food.” This is one of the biggest road blocks to individuals who collect things. This pattern of thinking will keep you stuck and unable to clear out the clutter because it is easy to find a reason to keep something by telling yourself you will one day need it.
The best way to help your husband or an individual who you feel has a problem with keeping stuff is to realize there is a lot of shame and guilt that goes along with collecting objects. Discussing with them how these things are not only causing problems in your relationship, but also is having an effect on your emotional health. By getting rid of the clutter, your house will be much more pleasant to live in, not to mention actually enjoyable.
Michelle Aycock is a licensed psychotherapist. Her office number is 912-233-4294. Her website is http://ift.tt/1nVEuJz. Submit a family relationship question at michelle@coastaltherapist.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment